The Great 'Swaparoo'
by thepotterheadfrommiddleearth
Summary: Gandalf and Dumbledore are sick and tired of their jobs. But what happens when they try each other's? DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately, I don't own Gandalf, or Dumbledore, or anything within the world of Harry Potter, or anything in the world of the Hobbit. Shame, I know, but true.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm sick and tired of these blasted dwarves." Gandalf muttered as he sipped his latte.

"I feel you bro." Dumbledore graciously accepted his long black from the waitress, along with his cupcake. "I mean, we don't get dwarves at Hogwarts, but there are plenty of small, irritating first-years that are getting on my nerves."

"Tell me about it!" Gandalf exclaimed. "These dwarves have no manners. They really are a merry bunch, but they are all so stubborn."

"You think that's bad!" Dumbledore cried, accidentally knocking over the pot plant behind him. All of the simple minded cafe-goers turned around and stared. Dumbledore apologised before continuing. "There are hundreds of Hogwarts students. You've only got to deal with 13 tiny little dwarves!"

"Are you saying you can do my job better than me?" Gandalf got that glint in his eye. That I-bet-you-can't glint.

"Maybe I am." Dumbledore grinned with his signature of-course-I-am-fool grin.

"Let's swap then. I do your job. You do mine. Whoever lasts longest wins." Gandalf leant back in his chair.

"Deal. What are the stakes?" Dumbledore swigged his coffee.

"Whoever loses dies their beard pink."

"DEAL!"

"We start tomorrow then"

The two wizards shook on it, then proceeded to discuss more _important _matters.

"So, how has that knitting been going Albus?"

"Albus! Wake up! Albus!" McGonagall's cries awoke Gandalf from his slumber. It was day 1 of what would soon be known as the great Swaparoo.

"What- what is it?"

"Peeves is wrecking my office. He is pouring spoilt milk all over my toucans!"

Gandalf nodded slowly. He was absolutely confused.

"Well, um, tell this Peevy guy to stop."

"Oh Albus, don't be daft. We've tried asking him to stop. He doesn't listen."

"Then why are you coming to me for?"

"Well, we though maybe you could talk some sense into him." McGonagall raised her eyebrows.

"Well, well- you see, I-" Gandalf stopped. He couldn't dye his beard pink! He needed to persevere. "Show me to him."

Dumbledore could not, for the life of him, understand the hairy little man in front of him.

"Pardon? Could you repeat that one more time, please?"

"For the love of Durin, can you not listen, Gandalf? Our passage through the mountains has been cut off by Orcs. We must turn another way. It'll be harder, but it's what needs to be done."

"But I still don't understand. Why can't we just go up and ask the orcs to move?"

"Are you not right in the head, Gandalf? These Orcs have sworn to wipe out the line of Durin!" Thorin was enraged.

"What's that?"

"'Tis me! 'Tis me and my nephews!" Thorin motioned to Fili and Kili.

"Why would those Orc-things want to wipe out such charismatic dwarves?"

"Because, you numbskull, I chopped off his hand!"

"Now why on earth did you do that?"

"Because he killed my grandfather and drove my father to insanity!"

"Why can't you godforsaken dwarves just be friends! You are such disagreeable folk!"

"Are you implying we are disagreeable?" Thorin roared as he whipped his sword from his sheath, threatening the elderly wizard.

Then he snapped. Dumbledore _snapped. _

"_Protego!" _An invisible barrier leapt up between the men. Thorin looked dumbstruck.

"Gandalf... what on earth did-" Thorin started to say, but then he stopped with Dumbledore's menacing glance.

"You are a man of many surprises, Gandalf the Grey."


	2. Chapter 2

"Sir Peeves. Peeves, my old chap." Gandalf called into the seemingly empty classroom. No one responded. Well, at least until someone threw an inkwell at his face, covered him in feathers and called him a idle-headed moldwarp (Shakespearean insult BTW).

"Now young Peeves, whatever was that for?" Gandalf cried, but Peeves ignored him and put a llama sticker on his nose.

"Sir, will you stop?" Gandalf was getting a little bit annoyed. Ok, a _lot _annoyed.

Peeves stuck his tongue out and did a rain dance before setting a textbook alight. He seemed to be enjoying how unresponsive this Dumbledore was. Usually, Dumbledore would've raised his eyebrows and pranked Peeves back, just to stop him. But this Dumbledore just yelled at him.

Gandalf, on the other hand, wasn't having fun at all. How dare this insolent fool mock him!

Peeves tested the boundaries one more time. He took out some Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder and threw it at Gandalf's face. It knocked him over.

When Madam Pomfrey arrived on the scene, Peeves had already trashed the whole corridor, and Dumbledore just lay there looking like he had been hit by a cannonball. As they carried him away on a stretcher, he muttered something about 'having the manners of an angry dwarf'. Madam Pomfrey rolled her eyes. _Peeves._

The _real _Dumbledore, however, was actually having fun. It was almost dinner, and the dwarves were in a jolly good mood whilst they swigged their ales, waiting for dinner. He was just in the midst of enjoying a 'Boast-off' between Bofur and Bifur.

"And then, right before me eyes, the dragon _swooped_-" As Bifur said swooped, he brought his arm diagonally forward to the ground with such force that he was knocked off his feet. The ale appeared to be at work. This sudden... _misfortune _was followed by a massive cheer from the rest of the dwarves. Everyone seemed to be having a blast- well, everyone except Ori- the youngest dwarf- he was doubled over with a splitting headache. Looks like ale doesn't go down well with everyone.

Finally, a smile was brought to the young dwarf's face as the dinner was brought into the room. A rousing chorus followed. Balin set the first few plates down gently. Dumbledore reached for a sausage, but then was appalled at how greedily the dwarves snatched the contents of the plates up. Another round of food was thudded onto the table, and again that was sucked up before Dumbledore could reach for a piece of cheese. He was on the verge of going into the kitchen for some food when someone tapped on his shoulder.

"Mr Gandalf, sir?"

Dumbledore turned around to see two dwarves beaming up at him. One had messy blonde hair; the other had tousled dark brown hair.

"Fili and Kili." The dwarves chimed in unison. "At your service."

"Why thank you, good sirs, I-" but then Dumbledore faltered. Why on earth would these dwarves introduce themselves to him _now? _Surely they had already been acquainted with Gandalf?

"Can I help you two?"

"May we speak to you for a minute sir? Alone?"

How could he refuse such kind manners from a dwarf? He glanced sideways at the barbaric bunch behind him, who were playing tug-o-war with a vine of tomatoes.

"Gladly."


	3. Chapter 3

When Gandalf awoke, Professor McGonagall was standing over him with an expression of utmost concern.

"Albus? Where is your wand?"

"My... wand?"

"Yes! We couldn't find it! All we could find was this!" McGonagall lifted Gandalf's staff into the air so he could see from his bed in the hospital wing.

"Be careful with that!" Gandalf reached out and took his staff from her hands.

"Albus- what is this contraption? Some sort of trident? A staff, perhaps?" Gandalf looked into McGonagall's eyes. They were wary, alert.

"It's... a relic... of my... great, great... great great great grandfather's." Gandalf tore his gaze away from hers. He didn't want her to look at him for too long. Wow, did she have a sharp gaze. He felt like he was being cross-examined. But he had to go on. He didn't want a pink beard.

"Oh. Well, in that case, Madam Pomfrey says you're free to go." McGonagall stood aside, letting him pass. He strode hurriedly out of the hospital wing before he realised he didn't have a clue where he was. He needed a student's help... ah! An eligible candidate was strolling past.

"Sir! Sorry to bother you, but, um, I appear to have knocked my head a little, and, um, I can't remember where I am right now. Could you help me back to my office?"

The boy grinned. His flaming red hair was giving Gandalf a headache.

"So... you don't remember my name?" The boy asked.

"No, no I don't."

"Perfect!" He took Gandalf's arm, and led him down the corridor. Hmm. Maybe Gandalf should have chosen a different tour guide.

"Hello?" Dumbledore strode into the room. He was sure the two dwarves had just walked in here. Before he could rethink this, however, he felt two small people drop onto his back, knocking him onto the floor. It was if they had fallen from the ceiling!

"What have you done with the real Gandalf?" One asked, rather aggressively.

"Real Gandalf... but, I- I am Gandalf!" Dumbledore could feel them stand up, and get off.

"Liar! You're an impostor." One of them said, as they turned him over so he was facing the ceiling. He tried to stand up, but he felt them press down on him so he couldn't move.

"We won't let go until you tell us what you've done with Gandalf!" The blonde one said, rather straightforwardly.

"Well- you two are very observational!" Dumbledore muttered. They two dwarves beamed. Huh. The two dwarves who had just jumped on him and basically interrogated him were now smiling like children who had just been complemented. One of them was blushing, too.

"That doesn't excuse you, though!" The brunette pointed out as they snapped back into their angry state.

"What have you done with our wizard?"

"Look. It was a bet." The blonde one (had he called himself Fili?) rolled his eyes and nudged the other with an I-told-you-so look about him.

"And who are you? Where is our Gandalf?"

So Dumbledore, very reluctantly, told them of the bet.

Before the dwarves could say anything, he hastily added at the end "But don't tell anyone- I don't want to lose."

"So Gandalf is now at Warthog with a bunch of other wizards?" Kili asked.

"Don't forget the witches!" Fili piped in.

"Well... yes."

"Don't worry, mister Dumbledore, sir- your secret's safe with us!"


End file.
